"Cuddly Toy (Feel For Me)" by Roachford

1989 / #25

Rate Your Music score: 3.22 out of 5!

"I told you 3 times...I told you 5 times..."

Meet Andrew Roachford, the man who skipped over even numbers when he counted things.

Andrew and his band gave us this memorable lost hit that showcased his rather unconventional counting method. Maybe that's because odd numbers are funnier than even numbers - as we all know. Our 8th grade battle cry was "5 out of 5", not "6 out of 6" or "10 out of 10." In fact, it was still a popular saying when I was a high school sophomore 3 years later. One day, we were all sitting quietly in biology class, when I heard someone yell out this catchphrase in the hallway.

Accordingly, this lost hit became one of the very first cassette singles I ever purchased. It also became one of the very few cassette singles I ever lost. Scroll down for the ending of that harrowing story...

Keep scrolling...

Keeeeep scrolling...

I recently found it after it was lost for over 20 years.

I can't count the number of things like that have been lost here. You can pretty much forget about ever finding something when someone says, "It's probably buried under all that junk." When it gets to that point, you can be 99% sure it's hopeless. One of very few exceptions is my Roachford cassette. Michael Penn still hasn't turned up though.

These cassettes weren't lost because I neglected them. They were lost because of incidents like the repeated break-ins in which everything got either scattered or stolen. This continued as late as last year, but the police insisted that this burglary must have been committed by family members who just wanted to use my bathroom. Seriously, they said that.

It brings a whole new meaning to lost hits!

"Contagious" by the Isley Brothers featuring Ronald Isley

2001 / #19

Rate Your Music score: 3.34 out of 5!

These Cincinnati siblings began charting long before I was even born, but they also managed to score several Hot 100 entries during what we call the second generation of lost hits, which we define as late 1991 and later. Some might argue that we should just stop this blog at 1991, but I was already interested in lost hits by then, and if we stop at 1991 now, that would be like if we stopped at 1957 then. It's like how the time someone carved "I am gay" into a table in 6th grade was as close to the mid-1940s as it is to the mid-2020s.

"Contagious" was a substantial hit at Tantrum 95.7, but it was also popular in other contexts. I remember downstairs neighbors frequently blaring the tune loudly. This brings to mind a funny story involving these neighbors.

The buildings where I've lived during my adult life have been a wellspring of stories. One of the most memorable was a kid throwing a brand new toy down the steps and breaking it and the resulting angry lecture. Another is when some loudmouths kept smashing the window in the front door during their many stupid arguments. But the story in this entry involves a dispute between my downstairs neighbors and the people in the apartment next to mine on the second floor. These are not current neighbors, as they all moved out a long time ago.

One day, I heard what sounded like glass breaking in the alley. It was accompanied by a loud thump. Then I heard the man downstairs angrily yelling.

I just thought some little kids were smashing beer bottles in the alley again, but then I heard stern voices talking outside. I ran downstairs to investigate. I saw a police car idling with its lights going. Several patrolmen were out there talking to the neighbors.

It turned out that the neighbors next to me were dropping their trash out their second-story window into the dumpster below - instead of carrying it outside like they were supposed to. They kept missing the dumpster, and glass would shatter on the pavement. The alley was littered with glass, rotting food scraps, and diapers, which caused the people downstairs to call the police.

I mentioned the incident at a family gathering not long after, and I think some relatives said they had similar dealings with an event like this.

This early 2000s episode predated more recent gentrification projects that have done even more to contribute to local mouse infestations. But if anything was contagious, it was the overall stupidity that was enveloping society.

"Farewell My Summer Love" by Michael Jackson

1984 / #38

Rate Your Music score: 2.73 out of 5!

Even the King of Pop has lost hits.

Michael Jackson recorded the vocals for this song back in 1973, the year he turned 15. The song was remixed for a 1984 compilation album just as his Thriller set was finally being exhausted. Remember, it wasn't until 1987 that Bad was released, so Michael mania had to be kept alive all those years.

During the height of Thriller's popularity, some girl at school admiringly said of Michael, "He's not a man. He's a phenomenon!" I miss Michael Jackson today, but I wasn't into him during his heyday. On the other hand, "Beat It" is said to have rescued top 40 radio from itself, so we can be thankful that Michael helped end the MOR doldrums of the early 1980s and got everyone listening to high-energy top 40 again.

People still talked about Michael all through the years when he had no new solo albums of new material. This brings to mind a classmate I had in 6th grade. For a while, he sat right behind me in literature class. Now, this was an advanced class. I don't know why the school placed me in an advanced literature class, as that was my weakest subject. The assistant principal's excuse was usually that "a computer did it."

Anyway, the classmate I'm talking about didn't start the year there, but he just showed up one day as a new student. He asked me what my favorite songs and musicians were. I know I liked the now-lost hit "Romancing The Stone" by Eddy Grant. I think I liked "I Can't Drive 55" by Sammy Hagar. I also actually enjoyed some metal and new wave that wasn't big on pop radio. Who didn't? But my classmate's favorite performer was - drum roll, please - Michael Jackson.

I guess there's really nothing wrong with that, but Michael was one of only two topics that he talked about constantly. What was the other? Well, one day, he asked me what my favorite TV shows were. I don't remember what my answer was, because network TV was in sort of a malaise at the time with its squeaky clean family sitcoms. But he said his favorite show was...

Are you ready for it?

Are you?

Sesame Street.

Yes, Sesame Street. In 6th grade!

He spent the rest of the school year talking about nothing but Michael Jackson and Sesame Street. It appears that he even wrote fan mail to Luis.

Sesame Street and Michael Jackson were better than some of the other things people talked about. A lot of kids at school just talked about bashing people's heads in. That's why I stockpiled thorns to defend myself.

I don't think I ever saw this particular schoolmate again after 6th grade until I was in high school. That was when he sat down next to me on a TANK bus, and I didn't recognize him. "Remember me, man?" he said. When he said who he was, I remembered then!

A weird one indeed.

"Don't Let Go The Coat" by the Who

1981 / #84

Rate Your Music score: 3.08 out of 5!

With such an unusual title, I had no idea what this song was about when I was growing up. Later, I read that the song was written because Pete Townshend had a guru whose followers would always grab his coat and hang on to it.

The title also brings back an early 1980s memory of some mischief I got into. I should refer to this song as "Do Let Go The Coat", because it was a surgical strike, and I would have been caught if I hadn't let go.

I was about 8, and this incident took place at a department store like Sears or JCPenney. I was with my family doing Christmas shopping. We didn't buy much at midrange stores like this, but this was special. Anyway, my nose started to tickle. It was a telltale sign of a boog.

A booger was gonna be snagged, and that's all there was to it. The problem was that I didn't know where to discard it. I didn't have a tissue handy. It had to go somewhere. I couldn't make it magically disappear.

So I waited until some woman with a little boy walked past. They were complete strangers, and they didn't say a word as they walked by. The woman was wearing a long, tan overcoat.

What an enticing target that overcoat was!

When nobody was looking, I snuck up behind the woman as she was walking and wiped the freshly snagged gob of mucus onto her coat. Then I skedaddled away!

I never got caught, and nobody knows what became of the boog.

That was a couple years before I made a department store escalator grind to a halt by shoving a metal hook into the grooves. I never got caught for that either, but it was so funny to see the look on everyone's faces when the escalator loudly screeched to a stop! It was also before I changed the radio station to static at a sporting goods store and made everyone think the stadium blew up during a Reds game.

"The Curly Shuffle" by Jump 'n the Saddle Band

1983 / #15

Rate Your Music score: 2.67 out of 5!

In the winter of 1983-84, this Three Stooges tribute song by the Chicago-based Jump 'n the Saddle Band filled pop radio airwaves far and wide. But later, the song would always come up in every conversation about lost hits.

Even 20 years ago, someone on a message board for alumnuses of our local school system said he was surprised to hear "The Curly Shuffle" blaring over the speakers at a Reds game, as he hadn't heard it for 20 years before.

Years after that posting, something took place that caused "The Curly Shuffle" to play in my head. During TV court shows, there were lots of commercials for a law firm called Elk & Elk. One of the attorneys in the ad bore a striking resemblance to Moe Howard. Recently, I typed in "Elk & Elk" and "Moe Howard" into a Google search to see if anyone else noticed the resemblance, and Google's AI feature said, "Elk & Elk and Moe Howard are not directly related." I'm sure Joe Biden and actor Mike Farrell aren't directly related either, but the amazing resemblance between the two has been noted.

Now there's new life to the phrase Curly shuffle. These days, a Curly shuffle is an instance of diarrhea that's so bad that no amount of toilet paper can do the job of cleaning it up, and you have to jump in the shower to get clean. Why do we call it that? "Jump in the shower" → Jump 'n the Saddle → Curly shuffle.

We never shit our pants...We get up and dance and do the Curly shuffle!

"No Myth" by Michael Penn

1989 / #13

Rate Your Music score: 3.57 out of 5!

"What if I was Heathcliff, it's no myth..."

This lost hit by Michael Penn - brother of actors Sean and Chris - inexplicably includes a line about a comic strip cat. That's not a misheard lyric. It's like Billy Joel fretting over the lack of Soaftsoap in the heat of war or Paul McCartney extolling the greatness of the Sooner State in that it's a real lyric that doesn't seem to make sense.

As with Tina Turner's "Steamy Windows", I think we heard Michael's song on the same day we drove to Frankfort. I think I've pegged the date as February 3, 1990. I'm also pretty sure we heard this song on the FM radio on the stereo in the den that night after we got home. I remember this because I had just been forced to abandon my favorite dialup computer bulletin board. It had been replaced by some sort of fancy system that made an account under my name and posted stupid stories. I was unable to log on under my own name and delete these narratives. So I spent that evening making gag accounts on the BBS that I was forced to abandon.

No hard feelings, but it needed to be done.

The good news is that I had a much better high school the following fall, so not all of 1990 was the total loss that the first 8 months of it were. It's pretty bad when that school was actually an improvement, but it's truly breathtaking just how bad our schools around here are.

Also, I remember a longer version of "No Myth" that I only ever heard on American Top 40. The version in the video above is the same one that I had on cassette (that disappeared in the home invasions) and which radio stations outside of AT40 always played. But the longer version had an ending that was evocative of a swarm of bees flying out of a snake charmer's basket. Every so often, you'd hear a "ding!" that seemed to represent a bee stinging someone. I can't find this extended version on YouTube though - or anywhere.

"Steamy Windows" by Tina Turner

1989 / #39

Rate Your Music score: 3.32 out of 5!

Hearing this lost hit again reminds me of the Saturday in early 1990 when we drove to Frankfort and learned just how babyish our state legislators are.

We didn't go there to meet with lawmakers. I think the ones from our area were probably a lost cause anyway. As proud Kentuckians, we just wanted to see our capital city.

The real amusement took place when we visited the Kentucky State Capitol building. While I was in this great domed building, nature called. When I was using the men's room, I noticed a couple funny things. The first thing I saw was that the window was propped open with a perfectly good roll of toilet paper. Then I noticed that someone had locked a stall door from the inside and crawled out underneath. It's the same thing people did in elementary school. But that time, it must have been a state legislator who did it.

Anyone who wanted to unlock the stall door would have had to crawl into the stall under the door. In the Kentucky State Capitol building, of all places!

It's nice to know we elected 6-year-olds to public office.

In 2017, I was invited to a conference in Washington, D.C., in which I met with congressional staffers. When I used the men's room in the Russell Senate Office Building, I noticed that somebody - most likely a senator - had covered the toilet seat with toilet paper and peed all over it. I repeat: This was in the ornate Russell Senate Office Building.

Let that sink in.

But it was during my 1990 outing that the radio was blasting in the front seat and turning out the music fine. You always remember what songs were big during events that took place during the heyday of pop radio.