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It may have been just another day in paradise for Bertie Higgins, but it was many years of laughter for me.
Bertie mania struck when he gave us his big hit "Key Largo." Remember, I was usually forced to listen to softer stations at the time. Every evening during the run-up to dinner, the stereo was tuned to one of these corny stations. Then Bertie's follow-up single - which we're profiling here today - crackled across the AM radio in my parents' Horizon as we tooled down Interstate 471.
Bertie's songs had a tropical feel that I associated with the colorful animated commercials for Froot Loops that were set on a beach or some other sunny environment.
Later, things really got hilarious. A couple years after all of this, I came up with something that tied in with Dungeons & Dragons yet somehow involved Bertie Higgins - who by that time was long since out of hit material. In this game, assorted individuals were forced to appear on TV and admit to certain aspects of their personal lives - which may or may not have been true. They might not be things that are necessarily illegal, but they were things that might have destroyed the image that these persons were trying to cultivate for themselves.
The list of people in this D&D spinoff ranged from ubiquitous celebrities to school bullies who I encountered. I don't know why Bertie Higgins was included. By the time I came up with this, nobody cared much about poor Bertie anymore.
None of this was real. It was only a game. But it worked something like this: In this game, people all over the country - maybe the world - would be watching TV when the network broke in with an important bulletin. After the slide with the network logo appeared on the screen, Bertie would show up and address the viewer...
"Remember me? I'm Bertie Higgins. You may recall that song 'Key Largo' that I had a couple years back. Anyway, you know something? I have a rather peculiar interest. I enjoy drawing pictures of Howdy Doody playing with himself. Then I like to tear the paper into tiny pieces and eat them. I also like licking cotton candy off of the shopping carts at IGA. But the store nearest to me won't let me do this anymore because it was scaring other customers.
"Life can be rough if you have these interests. People like me are often misunderstood. But there's hope. We now have over 200 cosponsors in Congress for a constitutional amendment to protect the right to lick cotton candy off grocery carts. Though this is an American movement, it has support from music performers around the world, including Julio Iglesias and members of Air Supply. Our movement has chapters in all 50 states and D.C., all of which have support from the music world. For example, Greg Guidry has just signed on as the chief fundraiser for our Missouri chapter. I've known Greg for many years, and he does not himself partake in shopping cart licking. But he believes in freedom.
"So take it from me - Bertie, your better. America is fast becoming a police state, and if we don't act, we may someday wake up in an America we don't recognize. Someday, not even 40 years from now, we might even have anti-smiling laws. You don't want that. Do you? So write your congresscritter about these important matters. Thank you, and God bless!"
Like I said, this wasn't real. It was all just a game. So don't throw a tantrum if you lose.
For decades after, Bertie still made albums, but none of them sold very well. Last year, he turned 80. Then, early this year, he put out a new single titled "Do The Donald." It was a disco-styled record that was a tribute to Donald Trump...
A YouTube commenter said of this song, "Key Largo was solid gold, but this is solid dog shit." Another said, "To think this guy went from writing a masterpiece like Key Largo in better days to writing literal cult propaganda music in our dystopian present is unbelievably sad and depressing."
But I guess it's just another day in paradise for Bertie.
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