"Move Any Mountain" by the Shamen

1991 / #38

Rate Your Music score: 3.4 out of 5!

Time for a lesson on the English language. This lesson seems to have been lost on this Scottish band, even though they ostensibly spoke English.

A shaman is a traditional faith healer. The word came from a German or Russian word, which in turn came from a word in Evenki, a language found in Inner Mongolia. Now, the thing about this is that the word shaman is unrelated to the word man. Thus, the plural of shaman is shamans, not shamen.

Likewise, a female shaman is not called a shawoman - and the plural is not shawomen.

English is a funny language sometimes.

This also brings to mind how George Orwell's 1984 had a big section about Newspeak, the only language whose vocabulary kept getting smaller. Well, except English, judging by all the bad radio edits and banned books these days. In Newspeak, the plural of man was not men but mans, e.g., "Three mans walked into the store."

Thus, you'd think the past tense of be would be beed, but I think that might have been an exception to the rule of abolishing irregular forms of words. Language police were probably working on it though. It's like how these days, people keep replacing letters in half the words in their Twitter posts with asterisks, even if the words aren't even remotely vulgar.

You might also suspect that the band Journey would be spelled Jernie - or that Ernie from Sesame Street would be spelled Ourney.

"I Live By The Groove" by Paul Carrack

1989 / #31

Rate Your Music score: 2.84 out of 5!

"It ain't written in the statute books...It can't be learned in school..."

Power 94½ loved this guy. If Paul Carrack had recorded "B Is For Bubble", Power 94½ would have played it once an hour. Paul was also known for his physical resemblance to Phil Collins. Now Paul has become a wellspring of lost hits.

This action-packed lost hit had a long tail at Power 94½. I'll give that station credit, as this was a better choice than many of the selections Q-102 made. Remember, Q-102 would still occasionally play Dan Hill's "Never Thought" in 1990. A few years earlier, WCLU actually made very good choices as to what minor hits to occasionally throw into the mix after these songs had peaked, such as "Space Age Whiz Kids" by Joe Walsh and "10-9-8" by Face To Face - both of which are now lost hits. But it was Paul's hit that elicited one of my great bursts of lyrical genius.

I think "I Live By The Groove" was popular right when we buyed a new stereo for the den, and the song blasted across the airwaves for months on end. This was also around the time people kept setting fires at my high school. I think that started when the cardboard pizza box got burned on the front steps after the Walk-a-Thon. In any event, I spoofed the line that went, "It can't be learned in school." I would always sing, "It can't be burned in school."

I went to a strange school.

"Runner" by Manfred Mann's Earth Band

1984 / #22

Rate Your Music score: 3.51 out of 5!

I don't know why Manfred Mann called his ensemble the Earth Band. Maybe it's like how there was an act called the Dirt Band. What's next? The Poo Band? Maybe it's like how Q-102 kept conducting a One Earth Party (mentioned on some old websites on Angelfire that haven't been maintained in decades).

In any event, the lead vocals on the Earth Band's big hits in the 1970s and 1980s were handled by Chris Thompson. I believe that's him singing in the video above. Hearing this lost hit today brings back memories of the musical excitement that loomed large in 1984. That was probably also the year in which I watched MTV more than any other. But I usually wasn't allowed to watch it for hours on end. I had things I had to do.

Fast-forward to 2013, when one of the strangest Earth Band-related incidents ever took place. That was when I had a weird dream that involved Little River Band and the Earth Band. In this dream, the lead singer of Little River Band posted a message insulting me on an online message board about the radio industry. This prompted me to get in a lengthy online argument with him. In response, the Earth Band's Chris Thompson - the man you see above - also started attacking me. He posted a message that said, "Some people are like mice disguised as dachshunds. At first, Mr. Brown appeared to be a dachshund. Now he has proven himself to be a mouse."

This prompted me to track him down. I discovered that Chris was lodged at a hotel in Missouri, so I made a special trip to the Show Me State to confront him. I entered the hotel lobby and found him there. When he refused to apologize, I grabbed his glasses off his face and hurled them across the room.

But this was just a dream! A ridiculous, absurd, preposterous dream!

It wasn't real! Get a grip!

Hopefully, Q-102 won't be having a One Poo Party anytime soon.

"Caravan Of Love" by Isley-Jasper-Isley

1985 / #51

Rate Your Music score: 3.33 out of 5!

This Cincinnati trio gave us this lost hit, and hearing it again brings back memories of sitting on the floor in the den listening to the boom box.

After the song fell off the chart, I hardly ever heard it again. But it did resurface once in 2022.

That was when I took a Greyhound bus to and from an event in Chicago. Greyhound is not the most efficient outfit around, but I didn't have a choice. For some reason, the route home from Chicago to Cincinnati took us through Louisville. And every Greyhound route leaving the Louisville terminal that morning was hours late. It was so bad that Greyhound had to call an Uber for folks going to Lexington.

The men's restroom at the Louisville bus station had pee-soaked toilet paper all over the floor. I also heard a squeak of flatulence while I was waiting for the bus.

I overheard a man saying that another man was picking paper off the floor in the bus terminal and eating it. Later on, the first man started singing. Guess what song? "Caravan Of Love"!

Greyhound isn't a caravan of love. I've heard horror stories about Greyhound that are even worse than anything I've been forced to put up with from them. It's a shame they're a monopoly. If any song title describes Greyhound, it's Supertramp's "Take The Long Way Home."

The "Caravan Of Love" video represents its era well. But why are people watching TV in their car? I think having a TV in your car is illegal, because it distracts the driver. I've heard of people installing TV sets in their car, but I'm pretty sure it's against the law.

"Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann

1999 / #45

Rate Your Music score: 3.15 out of 5!

"Worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum..."

You knew we'd get to this one eventually, didn't you?

This lost hit was a spoken word record that recites a commencement speech that might be delivered to a graduating class. I'm not sure if this speech ever was read at any graduations though. I didn't attend my high school graduation, so I don't know if it had any speeches like this. I didn't attend my 8th grade graduation either, because I was kicked out of the school a few days before it for getting in a fight which caused the school's precious drinking fountain to get dented. It was a good thing I got kicked out, because I hated that school so much and would have done anything to avoid even going to my own graduation.

I hated, hated, hated that school. My mom thought I was the victim of some grave injustice by being barred from the ceremony, but I thought it was a reward. The real injustice was having to go to this school at all.

The kid I got in a fight with had the brains of a rock, but I heard that he went on to attend a very prestigious high school for "academically talented" students. So obviously I didn't go to high school with him. He wasn't even punished for fighting with me, because his folks had money.

I probably should have gone to my high school graduation, but I had only gone to school there for a year. I don't have a senior photo either. But I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, because many graduating seniors of 2020-22 were robbed of their graduation ceremonies. Society was ruled by people who had zero regard for special milestones in life.

This lost hit was a shoo-in to be included in this blog because the line about how "worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum" brings a hilarious image to mind. You could just imagine someone poring over an algebra book with a huge, pink bubble expanding from their piehole. This record was a hit at the same time we drove to southwestern Indiana and first heard Jordan Knight's ridiculous "Give It To You." I remember hearing Baz's track on the car radio and trying to avoid bursting into laughter over the line about bubble gum.

Also, 1999 wasn't exactly full of economic or social dynamism, so my memories of that year consist mostly of watching daytime TV and repeatedly seeing the Arm & Hammer toothpaste commercial where the guy's yellow teeth scare the woman away in the art gallery. I think that was also the year I threw up at Americana and their bear mascot cleaned it up. It may have also been the year a man dropped a hamburger on the floor at Wendy's and ate it, but I'm not sure.

"Gold" by Spandau Ballet

1983 / #29

Rate Your Music score: 3.63 out of 5!

My dream of hoarding gold and living off of it in perpetuity was shattered when I was 10.

I was in 5th grade when this lost hit was popular, and I noted that the song said gold was "indestructible." So I got the brilliant idea that I could get a bunch of gold, hide it somewhere, and not have to worry about it getting ruined. I didn't think of one important thing though: Where would I get all that gold? Gold doesn't grow on trees. But not knowing where to get gold wasn't what dashed my hopes.

My dream was demolished one day when I was in the car in the school parking lot. The Spandaus' hit was on the radio. I asked my mom if gold was indeed "indestructible."

The answer? No, it was not. There were certain chemicals that could destroy gold on contact.

That meant I couldn't stockpile gold and count on it not falling to shambles. I was doomed to be near the lower end of the economic ladder forever. What a life!

By then, Spandau Ballet was like an entire universe itching to be ridiculed. The "Gold" video showed lead singer Tony Hadley wearing his famous suit that looked like it had a necklace embedded in it.

In later years, it became clear that theft would have been a bigger threat to my gold stash than corrosive chemicals. People stole valuables from me at school no matter how tightly I guarded them. The exact same thing would happen repeatedly - at several different schools - and the school wouldn't do anything about it.

I also got a book that had a brief article on how to pan for gold. The funniest part is where it says that if you find gold, you're supposed to put up a sign advertising it, instead of taking your prize and running home with it.

"Love Is Like Oxygen" by Sweet

1978 / #8

Rate Your Music score: 3.73 out of 5!

Let's again slog back to my college radio days, circa 1993-94. Let's take another peek behind the big door to room 205. "You've got a buddy in the condom business!"

I am of course talking about WRFN, the carrier current station at Northern Kentucky University. As you know, I had a show on WRFN in which I would throw in a lost hit here and there. It's a shame it all ended on the wrong foot, but that was the school's stupid fault. After all, it's a pretty stupid school.

One afternoon, "Love Is Like Oxygen" bounced to the top of the hopper for lost hits. When I say lost, I mean it was lost. I was floored to hear it once on WCLU in 1985, as it had already been lost for years then. But when I was on WRFN, it elicited a funny.

You may remember when Johnny Fever of WKRP In Cincinnati said, "Boooooger!" I did something similar on WRFN. After I played the Sweet record, I said over the air, "'Love Is Like Oxygen', except there's none of it in a fart." The airwaves became a funnier place!

Flatulence does contain some oxygen, but it has more nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, and methane. I'm going by scholarly books and websites, not the AI feature on Google that has a section called "Key points about fart composition." Hydrogen sulfide provides much of the peculiar aroma. One site gives the percentage of each chemical that makes up a fart, but I have no idea how they measured it.

My commentary on Sweet's lost hit isn't what got me hounded out of the station. That happened later.

I miss WRFN. I want to go back there and blast some tunes! Unfortunately, retirement homes are far less likely to have radio stations than colleges are.