"Funky, Funky Xmas" by New Kids On The Block

Did not chart

I don't usually give entries to tracks that did not make the Hot 100, but this one was so idiotic that I couldn't resist.

"Funky, Funky Xmas" was the flip side of the New Kids' 1989 hit "This One's For The Children" but apparently was not listed on the chart. For what it's worth, that single has a dismal 1.43 as its average Rate Your Music score. The same Christmas records from as far back as the 1940s keep reappearing on the Hot 100 every holiday season, but "Funky, Funky Xmas" just didn't have as much staying power.

One reason why Christmas oldies rechart each year is that many radio stations on the Hot 100 panel switch to a format of all holiday music each season, yet are not dropped from the panel during that time. This temporary format blows off many listeners who hope to hear the station's regular format instead. By the time all these listeners return, it's time for the next holiday cycle. But a growing factor in the annual chart reappearance of old Christmas songs is that the music of the past few years is just not a mass appeal medium like the big pop hits of our day were.

"Funky, Funky Xmas" makes generous use of the vibraslap - that instrument that sounds like a rattlesnake. Every time I hear that instrument, I think of the 1970s police dramas where the cop and the villain are stalking each other in a warehouse. You can imagine the cop and robber slinking around and peeping out from behind walls as the spooky music plays, and every so often, the vibraslap goes off. The rattling gets louder when one of them pulls their gun. "Tonight on The Rookies...Vibraslap!"

(Random trivia about The Rookies that doesn't fit anywhere else: When Viacom began distributing reruns of The Rookies in syndication, they butchered some episodes and completely skipped others because they thought they were too "violent" - even though they had aired on prime time network TV without any trouble years earlier.)

This song came out at the peak of society's New Kids infatuation. In the '90s, we turned the page on that sorry chapter (but sadly not much else). In 1991, the New Kids' Donnie Wahlberg was charged with arson for allegedly pouring vodka on a carpet in a hallway of a Louisville hotel and setting it ablaze. Two of the group's guards were charged with disorderly conduct for allegedly abusing hotel employees. This followed a series of other incidents, including one in which a young man claimed Donnie attacked him for refusing to give up his seat on a plane. Vibraslap!

The hotel episode caused a Kentucky concert by the group to be canceled. I first heard about the cancellation when it was announced on the radio, but little did I know the sordid details yet. At first, I just thought it was due to illness, as when Paul McCartney canceled not long before.

As for New Kids On The Block, little has been heard from this ridiculous group since.